the sober sex that wasn't

What I thought was going to be a sober, sexy night - aka my first time having sex sober - turned into the night of sober sex that wasn't. And when the opposite happened, true growth came in the form of not drowning my sorrows with alcohol.

When I got sober back in 2020, I was single. For 14 months I really took the time to focus on myself, my healing, my growth and my new life as a sober woman. I'm so thankful that I had this time to turn inward, and honestly, I'm not sure I could have gotten sober without it. But as a single 34 year old, I realize that if I want a significant other (which honestly is something I have desperately wanted for years), I needed to eventually put myself out there.

As a single woman in general, everyone seems to have advice for you - "it will happen when you least expect it," "love will find you," "if it's meant to be, it will happen." But as much as I'd like to believe it will just happen when I least expect it, I don't think love will just magically find me. For most people, it doesn't happen when you least expect it. To me, a search for a partner is similar to a search for a job. It will not just happen out of nowhere - you have to actively seek, cultivate and grow it.

So, as much resistance as I was experiencing (hello fear!), I began dating again. I reignited the dating apps (all the usual suspects - Hinge, Bumble, The League) and jumped in feet first! As I was going on first and second dates, another person that had been in my life for years popped up again. We had been coworkers six years ago and although there was chemistry and attraction there, he had been married at the time. We kept our friendship above board for many years but eventually kind of drifted apart. Now here he was again but this time, he was single and the spark was still there.

Over months of texting and sexting, we had seen each other a couple of times (he now lives in a city two hours away) and decided to meet up last Friday. I did all of the typical "girly" things - got a pedicure, shaved - and self-care things - journaling - in preparation. There were butterflies in my stomach and I felt beyond nervous as I was driving to his place to meet. Once I arrived, the conversation was flowing. Things were going great and felt like they were heating up as we made out. But then he suddenly stopped and said that he couldn't do this. That he had played out every scenario in his head and no matter what we did, it would end badly if we hooked up. He valued our friendship too much and didn't want to ruin things. He also mentioned that he was kind of seeing someone else and although not exclusive yet, they were heading that way. Ouch, that hurt 😬

Before I got sober, my first immediate thought would have been, "What's wrong with me?" But not this time. This time I knew that there was not a single thing that I did wrong. There was nothing wrong with me. That I am whole and complete myself. That I am enough and am worthy of love. This was just a person that seemed confused, dealing with their own issues and incapable of meeting me in the capacity that I want (and need) to be met, but none of that was my business. Instead I turned inward and focused on myself, just as I had for those first 14 months.

Although I felt grounded, I also felt as if I was about to pass out as I was standing there in my underwear being told that things couldn't go any farther. I knew that I had experienced growth when later I realized that my first immediate thought upon that rejection was not that I wanted to get fucked up or have a drink, it was genuine embarrassment and sadness. Sadness that this experience that I was so looking forward to no longer existed, nor would it ever exist with this person. Embarrassed that I had become vulnerable with another person that was also pursuing another relationship that I hadn't known about. I knew in that moment that I never want to be someone's second choice - especially when it comes to a romantic partner. Part of me felt like I was being pushed back to square one. Sadness rushed through me as the hopeless thought, "Am I going to be alone forever?" once again entered my mind.

Although I felt like crying, I got dressed and grounded myself in that moment. I moved through the rest of that evening with grace as we talked more about the situation. And then I left and worked on moving on. Knowing that I would get through this, as it wasn't even the most difficult situation I've ever been through. I was reminded by a good friend that life is unpredictable and not something we can forecast. And that's what I realized in this situation - it's just life. It just happened to be a down moment on that up and down that we call living. This moment tested my resilience and faith in myself. It allowed me to reflect.

I reflected on that hopeless thought (that I know isn't true), talked with my friends and received support from them. I cried (because honestly when doesn't that help?). I tried to experience joy in the small things (like cuddling my dog). I reflected in gratitude on what I had learned. What had this experience taught me? What this experience taught me was to lower my expectations of people - like way lower than I originally thought. It taught me to have strength in myself. It taught me that I can get through a difficult situation without turning to alcohol. It taught me what I don't want in a potential partner or relationship - I want to be with someone that is sure they want to be in a relationship with me, not someone that is unsure or has doubts. I've worked too hard and come too far for that.

The saga of the sober sex that wasn't has come to a close. No, it wasn't the romantic, sex-filled night of my dreams (yet). But I know that it will happen eventually, and until that day, at least I've got my Lelo 😜 And yes, I still believe in love and that the right person for me is out there 💙💙