selfish or self-pity?

When vacillating between better than or not enough becomes too much.

When I was using and in my alcoholism, there were two states of being that I was constantly shifting between - selfishness and self-pity. Selfish is defined as, "lacking consideration for others; concerned chiefly with one's own personal profit or pleasure." Self-pity is defined as, "excessive, self-absorbed unhappiness over one's own troubles." Neither are good states of being to exist in, let alone constantly shift between.

When I was self-centered and selfish, I would often put myself and others in harm’s way. I only cared about what I could get instead of what I could give. I stole money from family and strangers alike; had parties at my parent's house where kids would steal varying things from paintings (literally off the wall) to iPods to bicycles to alcohol; cheated on boyfriends; got into physical altercations.

Being selfish was a lifestyle. Countless times, I drove drunk and sometimes, there were other people in the car even! My whole life seemed to be centered around doing what I wanted to do, without regard for the rights, wishes or privileges of anyone else. And what I was always driven to do, was to get drunk and have a "good time." In one of my most shameful moments, I tried to give my sister Robitussin mixed with milk to get her to pass out because I wanted to have friends over to drink and have that "good time." But, at what cost to others?

In stark contrast, are the times that I was in the most self-deprecating place and mindset. The guilt, the shame, the feeling that I was not, and never would be, good enough. The thoughts that no one would miss me if I was gone or feeling like the world would be better without me in it. During these low periods, I would be consumed with self-pity and self-hatred. It makes me sad to look back on that now. And don't get me wrong, I can still feel those moments of self-doubt, but it's nowhere near as bad as when I was drinking.

The most basic science tells us that alcohol is a depressant. Alcohol is classified as a Central Nervous System depressant, meaning that it slows down brain functioning and neural activity. It binds to receptors for gamma-aminobutyric acid (GABA), which is a neurotransmitter responsible for producing feelings of calmness and sedation. It also releases dopamine – the neurotransmitter chemical responsible for pleasure and reward. This causes people to drink even more in an attempt to increase those feel good feelings that dopamine produces. You can find more information on alcohol's depressant effects here.

In knowing that about alcohol, it's easy to see how one could become concerned only with their own personal profit/pleasure, and conversely, excessively self-absorbed unhappiness over their own troubles. So, looking back, can you notice yourself shifting between these two states of being - selfish and self-pity? Do you notice them popping up now? Below are some tips for working with these states of being. Thanks for reading and would love to hear your thoughts & experiences!

Solutions

1. Meditate on my larger purpose and what I can do for myself and others to add positively to the world

2. Continue to notice when I exhibit selfishness and self-pity. Moving forward, correct any mistakes as they are made. When I notice either, put pen to paper and evaluate the emotion and situation.

3. Discuss with another person. I find a therapist or another sober person most helpful. Could also be a close family member or friend.

4. Turn my thoughts to someone I can help, which can be as simple as going to a sober Facebook group and seeing if there is someone asking for help there. Or, this can be in real life - holding a door open for another person, complimenting someone on their jacket/shoes/etc.

5. Acknowledge that no one is perfect and this process will continue for a lifetime.