is this my new rebellion?

In my teen years and early 20's, drinking alcohol was my rebellion. I thought that partying and drinking and doing drugs brought out my rebellious side because it showed that I wasn't going to play by the rules. In fact it gave me the courage to break the rules - sneaking out in the middle of the night, having sex, stealing money, blacking out, taking away someone's virginity. I was striving to do everything and anything I was always told not to do. I went to a Catholic elementary, middle and high school, so that could explain rebelling against some of those societal and religious constructs.

Even in my late 20s and early 30s, drinking was my act of rebellion - whether I was doing it before work or on my lunch break, or before an event. I also let it convince me that just drinking in itself was rebellious. It helped get me to do things that I would never do without the drug (because let's be honest, alcohol is a drug).

Almost a year into not drinking alcohol, my emotions have finally leveled out quite a bit and I feel an overall greater sense of peace. However, lately I have had no motivation to go above and beyond in my life. I feel like I'm procrastinating everything - putting off looking for a new job, a new place to live, getting that invoice out for work, even writing articles for this blog. Things that are pretty high priority to figure out or complete. I feel like I am literally doing the bare minimum each day. But I've been trying to give myself grace. Sometimes the bare minimum is to just make it through the day without drinking, and doing the necessary tasks for the job I get paid for. And that's okay. I thought being sober was supposed to make me more productive, but lately I've been feeling like the energy is sucked out of me. Part of me wonders, is being non-productive the new way that I rebel? I've also been going to bed later and sleeping in more - maybe that's how I'm subconsciously rebelling now?

We live in a culture where if you're not creating, doing or outputting, you are looked at as lazy. But we don't give ourselves the time to just be. We are human BEINGS after all. We live in a very give, give, give society and not so much in the receiving. When I think I'm being "lazy," I'm actually just receiving instead of giving. Instead of seeing myself as lazy during this time, I've found it's most helpful to be encouraging to myself, give myself a break to just be. We live in such a masculine driven world that we think just being is unproductive. But actually, it's one of the most productive things you can do for your body and mind.

Solutions

Treat myself how I would treat a friend - even when it comes to the negative self-talk of feeling lazy. If a friend told me they were feeling lazy, I wouldn't say, "Yeah, you're a lazy piece of shit." I would say that's completely normal and that sometimes we are more productive and sometimes we aren't. It's important to listen to yourself.

Be present in the periods of rest. Feeling guilty for being "lazy" or running through the to-do list in my mind takes away from just being. Because soon enough, I know that I will be in another period of producing and output.