does the death of working from home also mean the death of my sanity?

I was prepared to write about a different topic this week but as my "return to office" date loomed, I knew I had to discuss what so many others are facing as well. We all know that two years ago life changed very drastically. An unprecedented pandemic swept the world and those jobs that could move virtual, did. We adjusted to working virtually from home, and found the groove in it as it continued for two more years. Today, many of us face the daunting "return to office."

Like so many other workers around the world, I began working from home March 16, 2020. I thought this was a Godsend and that my prayers had finally been answered. It may seem extreme but every morning heading into work I had wished some type of natural disaster would happen that would impede me from making it into the office. I got lucky once with some wild fires, but that was the extent. So to me, although there was the devastating amount of death and illness, I felt like my prayers had finally been answered. I had been wanting to leave my job since 2019, but what kept me complacent was that this job made my drinking very easy. I was able to drink before work, on lunch break, and could do my job pretty easily while feeling like shit hungover or semi-drunk. Plus no one ever said anything and I never lost my job. But working from home now meant that my drinking could really go unchecked, and it did. I had tried getting sober since the beginning of the year but the pandemic really threw a wrench in and I thought, "fuck it," and spent the first few months drinking every day from morning until night.

When I decided I didn't want to live like that anymore, I really started on my sobriety journey and path (with one last particularly bad black out drunk fight with my mom and sister helping further propel me to that choice). The ability to work from home provided me the time to dig deep on my inner (and outer) self work to aid my new life path - working out and taking care of my body, letting my hair grow long and skin healthy by not having to do hair & make up every day, journaling, meditating, reading all of the self-help books and growing, learning, spending time in nature, re-building relationships with friends and family, connecting with my spirit guides and the Universe. I treasured this time. I grew, I changed, I evolved. However, on March 16, 2022, my working from home dreams crashed into reality as we received news that we would be returning to the office on April 4 right back at five days a week. As that date loomed, I could feel my stomach in knots and my sleep becoming disrupted from the tossing and turning. To be honest, I even thought of drinking - maybe flashbacks from my old life before all the growth and change.

**I feel I need to make a disclaimer here: having just lived through a pandemic and on the brink of WWIII, I realize this may come across as complaining and that this is a very first world problem. But I also don't want to discount my feelings because for many of us workers, this will significantly affect our day to day lives and our mental health**

The Day of Return to Office

The weekend before return to office, my nerves felt fried. I hadn't gotten such poor sleep since my first couple of weeks detoxing and not drinking. I stressed about how I'd leave my 9-year-old dog alone all day, having spent nearly every hour together for the past two years. Not only that, but I stressed at the thought of not being able to pet her after a really stressful phone call or conversation. She truly had become my emotional support animal and leaving her for 9+ hours a day brings an extreme amount of guilt.

That Monday morning, I had my bag so packed it was like I was going on a week long vacation, not knowing when I'd return home. The office felt so far away. As I was leaving the house, I picked up my coffee that I had gotten to go the day before and it spilled all over my entryway table. Much like my soul, the cup had disintegrated overnight. Having not had a sip of coffee yet, I questioned whether I even should, given my nerves already being wired and my heart rate elevated. But then I thought, fuck it, I need this one vice to get me through this day, and chugged some before quickly wiping up what was on the table and leaving the house.

The day went fine but I didn't get much work done, it was too overwhelming and overstimulating adjusting to being around so many people. The day seemed to actually speed by but by the time I commuted home, walked the dog for 15 minutes and ate dinner, it was already 9pm. Over the past years working from home, I have developed a night time routine where I journal for 5 min and do a 10-20 min meditation before bed. Even though I was exhausted and just wanted to veg out and watch TV, I'm so proud of myself for sticking with my routine (which I honestly almost didn't do until my mom convinced me that I should during our nightly phone call). I think that's my best advice for those returning to work: if you had any type of routine during your morning or evening, please stick with it! I promise, it will help no matter how tired you are. Because even though I didn't want to journal and meditate, I'm so glad that I did. Overall, it was not as bad as I thought but all of these different things compounding has really put the nail in the coffin for me.

I am planning on joining the great resignation.

The face of someone that just got home from a day in the office after working from home for 2 years

Day 2 and Beyond

Waking up on day 2 of return to office and I can honestly say that my feelings haven't changed. My usual vigor for waking up in the morning has already waned, as I came dangerously close to skipping my workout this morning. But I forced myself up, dressed and went out the door for my run because consistency is key and routine is important when you are faced with situations in which you need to be adaptable. But one thing is for certain and that is, nothing is permanent. I know that not everyone returning to work will have the same outlook because they may not be looking for a new job, but I keep reminding myself that this is a means to an end and is only temporary. Because if we've learned anything during these past two years, it's that things can change in an instant and how things are today, may not be how they are tomorrow.

That's another thing helping me through this transition, focusing on only today. Staying out of the future and continuing to put one foot in front of the other. Because tomorrow is never promised and who knows if there will be another outbreak or what world calamity we will face. Yes, I can - and should - continue to change my life in positive and uplifting ways, but fretting or worrying over the future will never help.

Conclusion

So, does the death of working from home also mean the death of my sanity? Yes and no. Don't get me wrong, I'm so thankful that I even have a job and am capable of working. But between the commute, dealing with strong personalities and egos, and missing my stable supports at home I can see the strong mental health I had set up for myself beginning to chip away. I'm only on day 2 and I can already feel how exhausted I am. Instead of each day being filled with the magical and unexpected, it has returned to the same rote and routine within my cubicle walls. My sanity is deteriorating because I'm more frustrated and face way more day to day challenges as my solitary world collides with so many other personalities and people that are different than me. But I will get through this. And so will you, dear reader. Because if being sober has taught us anything, it's that we can get through life's challenges.

Will I show up on time and get the job done with a smile? Of course, because that's what sobriety has given me - I get to show up and put in the work. And as part of my sobriety, it's my job to suit up and show up in the best capacity that I can and with a positive attitude. But I also know what life was like for me before the pandemic, and I don't want to live that way ever again. And because I'm sober, I don't have to. And although I'll show up with a smile on my face, it doesn't change the fact that I want more, different, better. Because I'm sober, I get to take this next step in creating the life that I want. And not just me, I see this - the whole great resignation - as the beginning of a revolution. A time of moving forward and innovation, where employees aren't stuck in the same box of how "things have always been done."Having no flexibility is a thing of the past, and I think we are going to see some huge strides in this area. So if you are in the same boat as me (a fan of working from home), stay hopeful that the ways of the past will be in the past for a reason.

I want to fight for every employee's right to autonomy in work. I want to fight for you to be able to chose how and where you produce the work product you were hired for. What this once in a century experience has shown me is that just as each person's sobriety is different and unique - every human's work style is individual to them. If possible, I believe every worker should have the option of coming into the office, working from home or being hybrid (essential jobs not withstanding). Each individual should be entrusted to be able to plan out their day and how they complete their work. Unnecessarily returning a company's entire workforce to the office seems like careless recklessness on the part of the employers. I wish for you that you will find the job or position that you can make your own. I wish your work life be fulfilling and promising, giving you every opportunity you desire.

Now I would love to hear from you! What do you think? Do you think working from home improves mental health? Do you think going into the office improves your mental health? What are the pros/cons for each? Do you think employee autonomy is the way of the future?