do you struggle with which life path to take?

Since becoming sober, I've questioned my career direction and geographically where I belong. A lot of this, "where is my life headed," and "what is my purpose," line of thinking comes from the fact that while drinking, I was complacent. I did the bare minimum to get by. Every weekday would consist of going to work, counting down the minutes to 6:30pm, just so I could go back to drinking. While every weekend was solely focused on how drunk I could be the entire time. Now that I'm no longer existing to drink and squeak by with the bare minimum to survive, the world is opening and I see so many other potentials and opportunities! But that also leaves many questions and uncertainties. And yes, some fears and worries.

I recently went to visit family in San Diego, which included my father’s 99 year old aunt. She is no longer mobile and has to stay in bed, all day, every day. I sat by her bed and visited with her as much as possible. She told me stories of how she met her husband (who passed 12 years ago) - their first date, their marriage day, their kids and grandkids, vacations she had taken, sports she had played. She told me that her husband would always say, “How come I love you so much?” and she would respond, “Because I’m so wonderful.” As I sat beside her, I thought, in 60 years will I be happy at how my life went? She kept saying how she felt so, so lucky about her partner, her kids, her job & wonderful coworkers over the years, her life. And I wondered if I will feel the same? Will I look back and be happy with my decisions, the direction my life went? How will the choices I make today impact my tomorrow?

Now that I'm set and steadfast on my decision not to drink, that opens higher pathways for the direction of the remainder of my life. It leaves me questioning, "Is this it?" It leaves me wanting more: wanting to be more, wanting to share more, wanting to help others more, wanting to leave a positive energy in the wake of my path. I'm currently reading the book Signs by Laura Lynne Jackson and she says,"In our journey, we may at times get confused and instead of following the highest path, we choose a lower path, one that constricts us, slows us down, leads us to dead ends. A path that takes us away from love and into darkness. When this happens, we end up living what I call a shadow life - a life that is a mere shadow of what it can truly be. One that doesn’t reflect our true strengths and potential. One that doesn’t allow us to share our true light and love and energy worth the world. A lesser life."

I can say with certainty that my decision not to drink has taken me on the higher path. The path of love and light instead of darkness. My lower path in life, involves one that includes drinking. When I was on my drinking path, I was living a shadow life. All of my potential, my impact on myself and others, my energy and light, was diminished. I was literally living a lesser life. Choosing to drink will always take me down the lower path - constricting, slowing down and leading me to dead ends (literally I will probably die). But now that I'm on this higher path, what are my next steps?

Now that I'm on my higher path, it opens a lot of scary but exciting questions. I feel like I'm finally in a place to coherently and intentionally decide which direction I want to take, and how I want to share my light with the world. Obviously, being sober does not automatically make things perfect, or even clear. There are still overarching themes in these questions I'm asking - themes of uncertainty and fear. But at the end of the day, I try to root myself and my decisions in acceptance and love. There will always be one decision that is based in fear and one that is based in love. I may not know what career to switch into or where I should be geographically, but those things will come. A lot of things will come with time and acceptance.

What do you think? Do you feel like you're on your highest path? Do you struggle in this area too? What decisions are you having trouble making? Would love to hear your thoughts below!