are you a late bloomer in sobriety?

A tale of blooming into a dichotomy

Every person's sobriety - and life - journey is different, but for some reason, I feel like my journey has moved at a glacial pace. According to Merriam-Webster, a late bloomer is, "someone who becomes successful, attractive, etc., at a later time in life than other people."

I've always identified as a late bloomer in life. On my life journey, I feel like I've been behind on everything - first kiss, first menses, relationships, career, even moving out of my parents. In my mid-30's I feel like I have nothing figured out, like I’m on a completely different timeline from most my age. I'm single, childless and in the midst of completely changing careers. But how can you be a late bloomer in sobriety? For me, when it comes to my sobriety journey, unfortunately that sneaky comparison steps in. I see fellow sober people achieving great personal goals (marriage, children, new career or success with their own business) with the same amount of time that I have. While I am overjoyed, proud and happy for them, it makes me feel like I'm "behind" on my journey. But what I need to remember is, I'm not "behind," there is no "behind" because everyone is exactly where they are meant to be. I know those things are coming for me, they may be just a little more delayed than my fellows that are trudging this road of life with me.

Since becoming sober, the blinders have been lifted and I really see what I want the most - a family and a fulfilling, balanced career - and I can't help but wonder if the heavy drinking for all of those years didn't allow the space for those things to come into my life. I may never know the answer to whether the drinking impeded me from receiving, but I do know that it didn't help. It distracted me. It brought me down and made me feel like I was unworthy. But now, it's wonderful to be able to see clearly what I want moving forward, and sobriety allows me to take those action steps. Sometimes though I have such a looming and dooming feeling that things will never happen for me. But at the same time I feel the most hopeful I’ve ever been. It’s a weird dichotomy. And what I've discovered is that:

I am a dichotomy.

I am a dichotomy that is despairing and hopeful, happy and sad, content and yearning. A dichotomy is a contrast between two things that are represented as being opposed or entirely different. That is perfectly how I would describe my sobriety journey. On this sober journey, I feel like my emotions have taken a long time to level off and are "stuck" at extreme ups and downs AT THE SAME TIME. I simultaneously feel so grateful for where I am at, yet fearful about the future. At nine months, I still felt like my head was foggy and unclear. My emotions were all over the place and it was difficult to self-regulate them. At sixteen months, every day still feels like a rollercoaster in my head - I have times of peace, surrender and contentment but then a minute later, I feel anxious and overwhelmed with an impending sense of doom. Personal ups and downs every day. It can take up to a year for your brain chemicals to even out after giving up alcohol, so some of this is to be expected. I look at it as my brain healing itself.

I also look at my dichotomy as split between light and dark. Every day I work to remain in the light side of the dichotomy. This side is loving, embracing and full of trust and hope. The dark side is full of fear, doubt, future tripping, hopelessness. Of course, we are human and it's nearly impossible to always stay in the light part of the dichotomy, but that's what I work on. That's the journey that I am meant to experience and learn. I'm hoping that the little steps I take every day will continue to help keep my sobriety and emotions on an even keel, and embraced in the light side of the dichotomy. So what little steps have helped so far?

• A routine. Even if the routine consists of one thing at first. The first thing I started with in my morning routine was brushing my teeth. Then, I added making myself a room temperature glass of water with fresh lemon squeezed in it after brushing my teeth. Then I added in 5 min of journaling. And so on and so forth. Now, my routine consists of brushing teeth, lemon water, journaling, meditating, working out.

• Journaling

• Meditating (even for three minutes if that's all I can fit in that day)

• Breathing (taking deep, concentrated breaths and focusing solely on breathing for a minute or two)

• Walks (even for five minutes if that's all I can fit in that day)

• Crying (seriously THE BEST! It helps release so much and afterwards, I usually feel completely fine. It's like it zaps the negative emotion)

I have bloomed into this beautiful dichotomy at the perfect time on my journey. It's given me the strength to develop and utilize the tools listed above. It's allowed me to dig deep into healing myself through exposing some of my triggers (like comparison). It's allowed me to remember that we are where we are in our journey because we need to learn something before moving to the next step in our lives. Remember, you are never "behind," and it's never too late.

Stay out of the darkness and go into the light, star beings.

Pic of me crying, but I felt so much better after!